Keeping Your Virginity – Sex is Cool But It’s Okay To Wait

Growing up In a Christian home, I learned at a young age your virginity was something special that should be held onto as long as possible.  My parents did everything they could to make sure I would stay a virgin until I died.

I learned about sex from about age ten or eleven.  My parents were pretty upfront about how sex worked (the penis enters the vagina…), and I applaud them for being direct in their approach; however, I think they were a bit too intentional and direct in their delivery.

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Losing your virginity - when is the right time to have sex, does it hurt to lose your virginity? Questions about sex for the first time answered! #love #relationships #sex #virgin #virginity #dating

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This post is part of a series I’m doing called Love Chats.  You can read the other posts in the series including

My parents know I am afraid of pain so, in addition to learning where the penis goes, they also informed me of the pain the woman feels during intercourse and childbirth (because having a baby as a teen would have been the end of times).  At that time I was also incredibly afraid of God, the Devil, hell and dying. They also shared how having sex before marriage was a sin and a disappointment to god.

Since I had such a fear of God, religion, hell, and sin I decided at a very young age I would never have sex.  Ever.

As an adult, I do think they planned this outcome because they knew how irrational my fears were and growing up if I decided something was going to get me in trouble I never did it.  Whenever there was an opportunity to explore, I stayed put.

I pledged to myself and Jesus I would only open my legs to pee.


Growing up a virgin

I made it throughout high school and college with my virginity intact.  I can’t say it was hard though; truthfully, I was an awkward teenager. No one was chasing after me.

I was also pretty lucky that my high school sweetheart (how did I even manage to have a boyfriend lol?) was incredibly patient.  He never pressured me or made fun of me for not wanting to go further.

I’m sure he wanted to go further, but he never made me feel like I had to or else he would leave me.  When I left home for college I was faced with the same reality; no one was interested in me, and I didn’t care to have sex.

Also, the college I attended was associated with my church.  Even if I wanted to test the waters, my environment made it difficult for me to move past my fears.


Losing your virginity - when is the right time to have sex, does it hurt to lose your virginity? Questions about sex for the first time answered! #love #relationships #sex #virgin #virginity #dating


Losing my virginity

During this period, more so in college than in high school, I tried to determine why I didn’t care about sex.  Part of it was the fear that was planted in me – I knew I had to get over the idea that intercourse would hurt.

Part of it was something I gradually discovered: sex isn’t a big deal to me.  I can be satisfied with intimacy even more than the act of lovemaking.  Of course, since I was still keeping my legs closed, I didn’t know that until years later.

I also enjoy being sexually intimate with someone who means something to me.  I learned that when I decided to “take the plunge”.  We had been dating for about two years before I felt ready.

I was 24 years old when I finally decided to give it a go.

What I learned from waiting to become sexually active

Although my reasons for abstaining from sex were based on fear, I’m happy I waited. After having sex, I felt like I was in a secret club no one knew about; my body felt more womanly.

As I mentioned, I discovered I don’t need sex and after crunching the numbers I realized in the ten years of me being a human who has sex, I’ve only actively had sex about 3 of those ten years (when you add up the times).

Throughout those ten years, I have abstained from sex for many periods.

Waiting to have sex allowed me to understand I can breathe without it, I can eat without it, if I have sex in my life that’s cool, but if I don’t it’s okay too.

There are times that I wonder what if my parents hadn’t virgin mary’d me to death; would I have been more comfortable with my body and would I have lost my virginity sooner?

I even speculate it’s the reason why I’ve never been in love and why I have such a weird view about relationships.  Before anyone blames them or calls them wicked, that church we grew up in had serious cult vibes.  They were lost in their maze and I think as the eldest I just got a lot of the weird cult stuff thrown in my way.


Losing your virginity - when is the right time to have sex, does it hurt to lose your virginity? Questions about sex for the first time answered! #love #relationships #sex #virgin #virginity #dating
Losing your virginity - when is the right time to have sex, does it hurt to lose your virginity? Questions about sex for the first time answered! #love #relationships #sex #virgin #virginity #dating
Losing your virginity - when is the right time to have sex, does it hurt to lose your virginity? Questions about sex for the first time answered! #love #relationships #sex #virgin #virginity #dating

Losing your virginity

If you’re still a virgin I think it’s important to be honest about what you want.  If your first time should feel special, don’t settle for less than what you’re envisioning.  Like seriously, get the candles and soft music – it’s worth it.

If any part of my story resonated with you, the fear and worry about having sex for the first time, reach out to someone you trust and talk about what’s going on.

I wish I could have had an open chat with someone who would have reassured me that I wasn’t going to hell, my vagina wouldn’t fall off if I had sex before marriage, etc.  Because I am used to approaching sex with feart I’ve always experienced pain while having sex.  It is purely mental but if you don’t have to go through it, you shouldn’t. Talk to someone and get real information not bull.

The answer to when you should have your first sexual experience is when you are ready.  If it doesn’t feel right, it is not the right time for you to become sexually active.


More questions about sex and your virginity

Can virgins masturbate?  Yep!  Masturbation is a healthy and normal act; it’s a great way to explore your body and learn what you like.  Self-exploration doesn’t mean you’re not a virgin anymore, but you get to define your virginity.

Will it hurt?  Honestly, I don’t know.  Some people don’t feel any discomfort while others do.  During sexual experiences your body can enter a heightened state of awareness so if you focus on negativity, it could be heightened.  That stated if something does hurt it’s essential that you can express any level of pain to your partner.

I don’t know what to do!  Want the real tea?  Nobody does! Sex is about exploration; every day someone is learning something new in the bedroom.  Sex is gloriously awkward; there are fart noises, sometimes you fall off the bed, and there’s a lot of shifting.  If anyone makes you feel inadequate, you do not need them as a partner.

What if they don’t want to use protection?  Don’t sleep with them.  It’s your body, and if your rule rules.  If you’re a virgin, you can still get an STI from your partner, or you could end up pregnant.  You are not covered in magic dust.  Always walk with protection: get your condoms (I love Skyn condoms), dental dams are helpful, and for those who use them, grab some female condoms.  Also, use lubrication! Lube is often dismissed but it helps things run smoothly and is a must if you feel discomfort.

What if I realize I’m not ready and we’ve started?  If you’re getting into the mood and you realize this isn’t for you, it’s your right to stop.  It is okay to stop.  Changing your mind doesn’t make you a bad person.  This isn’t just advice for women; this is advice for any person.  Your partner should understand and if they don’t you need to remove yourself from that person.  Asap.

Whew!  This was a lot!

I know the topic of sex is sometimes seen as taboo but considering my upbringing and my experiences, I feel it’s important to have an open conversation.  When we keep things hushed it adds to the confusion of the topic.

If you enjoyed this chat be sure to read the rest of my Love Chat series, including:

Let’s talk about virginity!  Was your first time what you thought it would be?  Are you still a virgin?  Don’t be shy, share your thoughts in the comments!


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  • Ruth
    February 21, 2019

    Growing up I had a similar fear of sex before marriage instilled in me; it’s weird because I knew that the penis was inserted into the vagina….but that was it. I thought they just lay still being one or something 🤷‍♀️

    Losing my v card wasn’t consensual and for a long time it really messed me up because a huge part of my identity was destroyed along with my hymen; if I wasn’t a virgin until I was married then I wasn’t a good girl, nobody would want me and I’d go to hell.

    Excellent talk about condoms etc I love skyns as well. Ironically for years I thought sex was going to be painful for me until a partner used latex free skyns….turns out I react to durex/latex condoms (possibly the spermicide used on durex as well because their latex free aren’t as comfortable as skyns.) so I’d definitely recommend trying out different brands if you find you keep drying out or becoming sore having sex!

    • Olli
      February 21, 2019

      Ruth I appreciate your comment so much! I’m sorry your first time wasn’t consensual and after having some non-consensual encounters myself I know how that feels. We share the same reason for liking Skyn condoms, sex was painful for me until I switched to them and also latex condoms aggravate my BV.

  • Odette
    February 21, 2019

    Great Topic!!! I am still a Virgin and I don’t feel the need to rush it or anything but, when I do hopefully I don’t pass out from the pain . LOL.

    Great advice and tips as well. I think once I get pass the pain and try to think happy thoughts I’ll be good.

  • Mykki
    February 22, 2019

    I grew up in a really open household where the concept of virginity didn’t really exist. I guess it doesn’t help that virginity is often framed in very heterosexual terms where you can only “lose it” if you have intercourse with the opposite sex – I’m not heterosexual so it was really confusing how that term even applied to me.

    And what was I losing? It’s not like my body changed in any radical way nor did I undergo some incredible mental or spiritual shift. So I never really understood what would be so life-changing about having a penis inside me….

    I still don’t get it. Sex is just kind of ….gross.

  • Rei Alexander
    March 2, 2019

    Hey girl! I enjoyed reading your post! Super informative and a perspective that not many discuss publicly

    • Olli
      March 25, 2019

      Yaaay! I knew talking about this from my crazy upbringing would be different but I know a lot of people in that time of the 80s and 90s grew up with this same background. I’m meeting men and women who were traumatized about sex and their sexuality who are in my age bracket and it’s so sad. Hopefully coming at this topic from this angle lets others know they’re not alone. And I hope it lets anyone who is waiting to have sex, for whatever reason, know that they should do it when it’s right for them. Not us.

  • Natonya
    March 5, 2019

    I am still a virgin because I am waiting for marriage to have sex. In high school I was pursues by guys I thought they could get it because they naturally assumed I had sex based on my physical appearance. I’m very curvy and thick and no one would believe me when I said I was a virgin. The situation taught me to stand firm in who I am, be confident and not let others opinions shape the way I see myself. Today I still get funny looks when people find out that I’m 30 and a virgin. I even hear people make jokes about it on their talk shows about the 30 year old virgin woman, guys was not want her. I feel secure myself and I know that when my husband comes along who keep your breasts but until then I’m just going to chill. I like this post because you don’t condemn those for having sex and you don’t condemn those who choose not to. society is all about doing everything so fast even down two girls wearing full face makeup at 14 years old. I don’t think life is meant for you to grow up so fast. You must do everything on your own time frame. Thanks for sharing this post Olli, it waa so relatable and refreshing to hear.

    Natonya |

    • Natonya
      March 5, 2019

      Olli excuse the typos, I was using the voice part on my phone😂


      *In high school I was pursued by guys who thought they could get it

      *Guys must not want her

      *When my husband comes along he will treat me the best

      *Down to girls wearing

      *It was so relatable

  • Saabirah
    March 20, 2019

    This is so relatable!! Loved how detailed and informative this post is as well!

    • Olli
      March 25, 2019

      Thank you! I tried to be informative without being judgemental, laying the facts bare but in a way that everyone could connect. glad you liked it!

  • Laura
    February 13, 2020

    Thank you for sharing your story. I relate a lot. I am 31 and I’m still virgin. I grew up as a Christian and I was very into church as a teenager. I took very serious the fact that sex was only supposed to be done after marriage.

    Also, I was not being pursued by any guy and the guys I liked always ignored be, so let’s just say I wasn’t exactly facing a lot of temptations.

    During college, I developed an eating disorder and when the Pastor told me that all psychological issues were nothing but demons insides my head, I just stopped attending church. I couldn’t believe that all my pain could be defined as a demonian thing instead of the therapy support I needed.

    So, almost from one dya to another, I stopped being a Christian. I went to therapy and some years after, I was recovered and graduated from college.

    However, my relationship with sex/men…or more accurately, the lack of a relationship made me feel like if there was something deeply wrong with me. I just couldn’t understand why I thought I was missing out on my best sexual years, and that saddened me so deep.

    A few months ago, I tried Tinder and decided that I so desperately wanted to get rid of my virginity(which had become a negative tag for me), so I decided I was going to pick a guy I liked and that seemed decent enough st least for one night. We texted for about a month and we finally agreed to meet and have sex.

    I was completely disconnected from my body. I just wasnt feeling it…when he tried to penetrate me, I just “closed”. He said I tightened immediately and didn’t let him in. He kinda just stayed at the entrance and finished.

    Funny thing is, I don’t know if that makes me still a virgin…or half a virng or what. I was so desperate to get rid of the label and my body and mind just were not on the same page, so ironically, when he told me he couldn’t actually get in, I was relieved…relieved that I hadnt lost in with him and not feeling a single thing.

    So, yes…like you said, only I get to define my virginity. And now that I analyze it, it’s not that bad to still be one at 31.

    I have a high sex drive and I masturbate often, and I have always climaxed by myself…while this guy didn’t even make me feel ticklish…. So, maybe I haven’t missed out on too much. I know my body and how to please myself, and that actually only raises the bar for men out there.

    I know I will have awesome sex with someone one day (and lame sex as well, I’m sure haha), but while that happens, I have myself.

    Sending love to you all.

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