Growing up In a Christian home, I learned at a young age your virginity was something special that should be held onto as long as possible. My parents did everything they could to make sure I would stay a virgin until I died.
I learned about sex from about age ten or eleven. My parents were pretty upfront about how sex worked (the penis enters the vagina…), and I applaud them for being direct in their approach; however, I think they were a bit too intentional and direct in their delivery.
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This post is part of a series I’m doing called Love Chats. You can read the other posts in the series including
My parents know I am afraid of pain so, in addition to learning where the penis goes, they also informed me of the pain the woman feels during intercourse and childbirth (because having a baby as a teen would have been the end of times). At that time I was also incredibly afraid of God, the Devil, hell and dying. They also shared how having sex before marriage was a sin and a disappointment to god.
Since I had such a fear of God, religion, hell, and sin I decided at a very young age I would never have sex. Ever.
As an adult, I do think they planned this outcome because they knew how irrational my fears were and growing up if I decided something was going to get me in trouble I never did it. Whenever there was an opportunity to explore, I stayed put.
I pledged to myself and Jesus I would only open my legs to pee.
Growing up a virgin
I made it throughout high school and college with my virginity intact. I can’t say it was hard though; truthfully, I was an awkward teenager. No one was chasing after me.
I was also pretty lucky that my high school sweetheart (how did I even manage to have a boyfriend lol?) was incredibly patient. He never pressured me or made fun of me for not wanting to go further.
I’m sure he wanted to go further, but he never made me feel like I had to or else he would leave me. When I left home for college I was faced with the same reality; no one was interested in me, and I didn’t care to have sex.
Also, the college I attended was associated with my church. Even if I wanted to test the waters, my environment made it difficult for me to move past my fears.
Losing my virginity
During this period, more so in college than in high school, I tried to determine why I didn’t care about sex. Part of it was the fear that was planted in me – I knew I had to get over the idea that intercourse would hurt.
Part of it was something I gradually discovered: sex isn’t a big deal to me. I can be satisfied with intimacy even more than the act of lovemaking. Of course, since I was still keeping my legs closed, I didn’t know that until years later.
I also enjoy being sexually intimate with someone who means something to me. I learned that when I decided to “take the plunge”. We had been dating for about two years before I felt ready.
I was 24 years old when I finally decided to give it a go.
What I learned from waiting to become sexually active
Although my reasons for abstaining from sex were based on fear, I’m happy I waited. After having sex, I felt like I was in a secret club no one knew about; my body felt more womanly.
As I mentioned, I discovered I don’t need sex and after crunching the numbers I realized in the ten years of me being a human who has sex, I’ve only actively had sex about 3 of those ten years (when you add up the times).
Throughout those ten years, I have abstained from sex for many periods.
Waiting to have sex allowed me to understand I can breathe without it, I can eat without it, if I have sex in my life that’s cool, but if I don’t it’s okay too.
There are times that I wonder what if my parents hadn’t virgin mary’d me to death; would I have been more comfortable with my body and would I have lost my virginity sooner?
I even speculate it’s the reason why I’ve never been in love and why I have such a weird view about relationships. Before anyone blames them or calls them wicked, that church we grew up in had serious cult vibes. They were lost in their maze and I think as the eldest I just got a lot of the weird cult stuff thrown in my way.
Losing your virginity
If you’re still a virgin I think it’s important to be honest about what you want. If your first time should feel special, don’t settle for less than what you’re envisioning. Like seriously, get the candles and soft music – it’s worth it.
If any part of my story resonated with you, the fear and worry about having sex for the first time, reach out to someone you trust and talk about what’s going on.
I wish I could have had an open chat with someone who would have reassured me that I wasn’t going to hell, my vagina wouldn’t fall off if I had sex before marriage, etc. Because I am used to approaching sex with feart I’ve always experienced pain while having sex. It is purely mental but if you don’t have to go through it, you shouldn’t. Talk to someone and get real information not bull.
The answer to when you should have your first sexual experience is when you are ready. If it doesn’t feel right, it is not the right time for you to become sexually active.
More questions about sex and your virginity
Can virgins masturbate? Yep! Masturbation is a healthy and normal act; it’s a great way to explore your body and learn what you like. Self-exploration doesn’t mean you’re not a virgin anymore, but you get to define your virginity.
Will it hurt? Honestly, I don’t know. Some people don’t feel any discomfort while others do. During sexual experiences your body can enter a heightened state of awareness so if you focus on negativity, it could be heightened. That stated if something does hurt it’s essential that you can express any level of pain to your partner.
I don’t know what to do! Want the real tea? Nobody does! Sex is about exploration; every day someone is learning something new in the bedroom. Sex is gloriously awkward; there are fart noises, sometimes you fall off the bed, and there’s a lot of shifting. If anyone makes you feel inadequate, you do not need them as a partner.
What if they don’t want to use protection? Don’t sleep with them. It’s your body, and if your rule rules. If you’re a virgin, you can still get an STI from your partner, or you could end up pregnant. You are not covered in magic dust. Always walk with protection: get your condoms (I love Skyn condoms), dental dams are helpful, and for those who use them, grab some female condoms. Also, use lubrication! Lube is often dismissed but it helps things run smoothly and is a must if you feel discomfort.
What if I realize I’m not ready and we’ve started? If you’re getting into the mood and you realize this isn’t for you, it’s your right to stop. It is okay to stop. Changing your mind doesn’t make you a bad person. This isn’t just advice for women; this is advice for any person. Your partner should understand and if they don’t you need to remove yourself from that person. Asap.
Whew! This was a lot!
I know the topic of sex is sometimes seen as taboo but considering my upbringing and my experiences, I feel it’s important to have an open conversation. When we keep things hushed it adds to the confusion of the topic.
If you enjoyed this chat be sure to read the rest of my Love Chat series, including:
Let’s talk about virginity! Was your first time what you thought it would be? Are you still a virgin? Don’t be shy, share your thoughts in the comments!