Real Talk: I’ve Never Been In Love

By |2018-11-26T14:50:00+00:00August 30th, 2018|Life|18 Comments

My last relationship ended when I looked at the person I was with and realized we were not compatible.  After 11 months of dating and in the midst of planning a wedding, I dropped them at their house and waved goodbye.  They thought I was waving, like, “later, had a great afternoon.”

Nah. Like, bye.

That was five years ago.  Five years is a long time to think about who you are, where you’re going and what you want.  When I was dating, my biggest issue was I straight up didn’t love them heauxs.

(Pssst…check out my last Real Talk post; it’s all about why I don’t care if I have a super thicc girl shape!)

Never been in love Pinterest image

 

I always entered relationships because I could. Now I’m not out here boasting that I’m the prettiest, or my cookie the tastiest.  I’m so regular that I’m as exciting as the color beige. At the time I didn’t understand my issue; I was entering relationships because people kept asking why I was single or someone just popped up on my radar.

I couldn’t see it. I genuinely thought I was dating because I wanted to.

 

Why haven’t I loved these heauxs?

Every person I’ve dated was not right for me.  Each of those relationships was “okay” but they never gave me a spark.  I got caught up in the excitement of being with someone but I knew it wasn’t right.

I knew the type of person I wanted and needed wasn’t around me and probably would never cross my path so I settled.  I wasn’t admitting that I settled but I knew, deep down I knew.  I didn’t want to settle though; I don’t have a problem with compromising but settling isn’t love.  It’s giving up.

I gave up because I just wanted to be in something. I would push on because it’s what we do. We stay in the madness of it all.

Subconsciously I knew if I loved, I would be committing my entire life force to a waste of everything. I had no problem with wasting time (even though I don’t look at those relationships as a waste of time anymore, I still wasted time if I’m being honest) but I knew if I actually loved it would be a waste of my very being in a settlement.

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What being single taught me about love

I won’t say I don’t know how to love; I am actually a very loving and caring person. I will say I don’t want to waste it. Being single showed me I actually have a well of love that is finally ready for someone to enjoy. During my single years, I came to an amazing place where I realized I am enough.

It is hurtful sometimes to be single.   See, the act of loving feels like pouring my essence into someone’s soul.   I feel hurt knowing I’m ready to pour but I’m not allowed that honor.

The day I knew I was ready to actually love someone was the day I told the universe if I never get to love I will not be angry.

That’s how I knew – I have so much love inside of me to share with another human being and I am at peace if I never get that chance to share it.  I’m happy just knowing it’s here.

Never-beeninloveCan I love you now heaux?

The lessons I learned from not loving in the past are pushing me in my present.  I know for sure it doesn’t make sense to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. That’s why I stayed single for so long.

I also know I want someone I can invest in.  My love is rich, it’s thick, it’s luxurious; this is some quality ish over here.  It’s going to cover my person for the long haul.

In the past, I couldn’t give my love because I was afraid of sharing my essence, of giving the core of myself to people who weren’t worthy to stand in my presence. Now, I know they can’t be mediocre to stand in front of me.

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I’ll still bitch and moan about being single sometimes.  There are days I need companionship, forget want.

But it’s my choice to wait for the person that makes me happy and for the lil heaux I can adore.

I am not entering relationships anymore to fulfill my boredom or to satisfy society and if that means I’ll never experience love then so be it.  I have made my peace – the universe and I have an understanding.

Share with me below, have you ever been in love before?


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18 Comments

  1. Mel LaBella August 31, 2018 at 6:02 am - Reply

    Relationships are a tricky subject for me, but I love how this was written. It can be read and understood by someone single, or someone who has been married for years. Great writing!! Thank you for sharing your story!

  2. Valery August 31, 2018 at 7:51 pm - Reply

    This is such a great and relatable post. Relationships are complicated… They dont have to be, but they are.

    • Olli September 1, 2018 at 9:52 am - Reply

      You’re right, they don’t have to be but a lot of times they are. I think at the end of the day we love the drama that a relationship brings. We won’t say we do but secretly we live for it. I personally am done with the drama, I just want a good partner and a headache free life.

  3. Ruth September 6, 2018 at 10:29 am - Reply

    Was skimming the different blog post titles you have to pick for a read and this one definitely just screamed out to me! Mainly because it showed me that it’s not just me that cannot love people straight away that they’re seeing, like for me it takes quite some time before I can get to that level. As annoying as it is seeing other people being all loved up around me, I am happy to be single (at times) as I’ve grown and got to know myself. Relationships are complicated and I think forever will be until you find that person that you have dreamed for yourself to click with. Great blog post!! 😊x

  4. Hilda September 6, 2018 at 7:35 pm - Reply

    This post is everything! I love the way you write, when I say I felt like I could feel your emotions on this subject. My situation is extremely similar to yours, and for a change its nice to see that someone else knows and values their worth. For me, it’s been a while since my last relationship, but it doesn’t phase me one bit. I do not have time to be in a relationship ‘just because. I will proudly say, I have never said ‘I love you’ to any of my previous partners and I’m glad I didn’t because where are they now? For me when I am truely able to say those words, I know I would have found ‘the one. Until then am happy chilling by my damn self! lol

    • Olli September 9, 2018 at 11:15 am - Reply

      Awww thank you!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! lol

      I was worried when drafting this because I didn’t want to come across like “ha! I was even engaged but I didn’t love that fool!” but truthfully when you are in something you can’t see the full picture sometimes, and a lot of the wisdom we obtain comes after an experience. Plus being single for soooooo long gave me lots of time to think about who I am and where I went wrong in those relationships. I am thankful for being single. It can suck sometimes, but I appreciate the wisdom it’s given me.

  5. Msteeque September 8, 2018 at 12:27 pm - Reply

    It’s okay to not be in love. You practically summed up the last few years of my life. I had to learn being single was not some kind of curse. I held out until I met the one that made me feel as if he’s worthy of the love I have inside. You will meet that person one day. In the meantime live it up.

    • Olli September 9, 2018 at 11:07 am - Reply

      Totally agree but as I mentioned I’m okay if I never meet that person. It might not be what I want but if that’s the way the universe sees me, being single and just living, then I will not question it.

  6. Natonya September 8, 2018 at 10:03 pm - Reply

    Olli I never been in love but like you I have a ton of love to give. I believe settling is so unhealthy because like you said it means you’re giving up. You should never do something half-hearted because it’ll always fail, nice to hear you realize that and you sharing your perspective really makes us who haven’t fallen in love more comfortable with the idea. No need to rush the process, I believe everything has a time and purpose for it’s arrival. Your true love will come when you least expect it, cliché but so freaking true.

    Natonya | http://www.justnatonya.wordpress.com

    • Olli September 9, 2018 at 11:06 am - Reply

      Amen. I also think when you hit your 30s it becomes a race to find love. I’m really happy I stopeed dating in my later 20s because it gave me so much time to reflect, to slow down, to grow – there are times I fall into the trap of you’re getting older but then I shush those voices. If I’m getting older and still hoping into a bad relationship I wouldn’t be happy or happier.

  7. Shai September 9, 2018 at 12:47 pm - Reply

    This hit my soul. I know exactly how you feel. I got so content with being alone because it allowed me the time to improve myself. Now I’m ready to be in a relationship again and there aren’t many options out there. Like you said, I’m okay with not being able to give my love to someone right now. I now realize that my love is deeper than most people’s so whoever comes across this path is going to be blessed. But, man… this single ish is dead.

    • Olli September 14, 2018 at 10:50 am - Reply

      Dating this year after being out of the game for so long showed me whatever idea of dating and relationships I have in my head is pure fantasy. The dating world is hard so if you can find someone that fits your wants and needs, hold on to them. I just refuse to settle even more now that I know what I want, what I deserve. But boooooy being single can be rough. Just keep looking and hopefully the right one will find their way to you.

  8. Haleemah Al-Sadiya September 28, 2018 at 7:28 am - Reply

    I enjoyed this post. It’s so relateable.
    I’m a sucker for love

  9. Yvonne Wabai September 28, 2018 at 10:32 am - Reply

    Every time I see someone use ‘heaux’ in place of ‘hoes’, I always wonder if they think both of them are pronounced the same because the first one would be derived from French, in which case, it would be pronounced ‘ho’. But now ‘heaux’ has really taken off, especially with ‘Bad Bhabie’ using it, there really isn’t much I can do about that. Aside from that, what is romantic love really? Most people get into romantic relationships as a survival tactic.

    Yvonne Wabai | https://yvonnewairimuwabai.weebly.com

    • Olli October 7, 2018 at 3:24 pm - Reply

      lol I don’t take my social cues or slang from little girls who made their way in life trying to pretend to be as black as I am. I’ve been using that spelling before her and will keep using it after her.

  10. Mykki October 23, 2018 at 4:11 pm - Reply

    I have never been in love.

    I’m 31 and I’m really coming to terms with that now. I’m coming to terms with my identity and what that means for my wants and needs in life.

    I’ve been in relationships though – all of them unhealthy. Always me giving more than they’re willing to give back. Always me being the emotional punching bag for mentally stunted boys wearing a man’s skin. Always being looked to as the on-call therapist, mother, lover, and maid – free of charge. And I put up with all of it because I believed I was supposed to. I believed I was supposed to play that role in a relationship, even if it hurt. Even if it killed me. Even if I was so deeply unhappy that I was considering suicide.

    I’m 31 and I’m done with all of that. I feel so much freer and happier on my own.

    • Olli October 25, 2018 at 6:23 am - Reply

      I am so happy you’ve come to a place where you can say that’s enough, time to put myself first. There are days when I wonder why can’t I have the type of love I desire, why can’t it be right here, right now. But I’d rather be single than pretending to be in love again. Good luck with love!

  11. Kat November 9, 2018 at 2:57 pm - Reply

    This is exactly how it was for me for the longest. I went through those poor saps like butter, and I never felt bad when I was done. It was never them. It WAS me. I then spent a long time alone with myself. I changed. I accepted. I learned. Then one day, when I wasn’t even looking, this scruffy drummer jumped into my heart and never left. We are celebrating our 3rd anniversary in four days, and he is my best friend. I didn’t know how to love until I started loving myself first.

    Your scruffy drummer is out there too I just know it!

    -Kat
    https://boozyhousewife.family.blog/

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