My last relationship ended when I looked at the person I was with and realized we were not compatible. After 11 months of dating and in the midst of planning a wedding, I dropped them at their house and waved goodbye. They thought I was waving, like, “later, had a great afternoon.”
Nah. Like, bye.
That was five years ago. Five years is a long time to think about who you are, where you’re going and what you want. When I was dating, my biggest issue was I straight up didn’t love them heauxs.
(Pssst…check out my last Real Talk post; it’s all about why I don’t care if I have a super thicc girl shape!)
I always entered relationships because I could. Now I’m not out here boasting that I’m the prettiest, or my cookie the tastiest. I’m so regular that I’m as exciting as the color beige. At the time I didn’t understand my issue; I was entering relationships because people kept asking why I was single or someone just popped up on my radar.
I couldn’t see it. I genuinely thought I was dating because I wanted to.
Why haven’t I loved these heauxs?
Every person I’ve dated was not right for me. Each of those relationships was “okay” but they never gave me a spark. I got caught up in the excitement of being with someone but I knew it wasn’t right.
I knew the type of person I wanted and needed wasn’t around me and probably would never cross my path so I settled. I wasn’t admitting that I settled but I knew, deep down I knew. I didn’t want to settle though; I don’t have a problem with compromising but settling isn’t love. It’s giving up.
I gave up because I just wanted to be in something. I would push on because it’s what we do. We stay in the madness of it all.
Subconsciously I knew if I loved, I would be committing my entire life force to a waste of everything. I had no problem with wasting time (even though I don’t look at those relationships as a waste of time anymore, I still wasted time if I’m being honest) but I knew if I actually loved it would be a waste of my very being in a settlement.
What being single taught me about love
I won’t say I don’t know how to love; I am actually a very loving and caring person. I will say I don’t want to waste it. Being single showed me I actually have a well of love that is finally ready for someone to enjoy. During my single years, I came to an amazing place where I realized I am enough.
It is hurtful sometimes to be single. See, the act of loving feels like pouring my essence into someone’s soul. I feel hurt knowing I’m ready to pour but I’m not allowed that honor.
The day I knew I was ready to actually love someone was the day I told the universe if I never get to love I will not be angry.
That’s how I knew – I have so much love inside of me to share with another human being and I am at peace if I never get that chance to share it. I’m happy just knowing it’s here.
The lessons I learned from not loving in the past are pushing me in my present. I know for sure it doesn’t make sense to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. That’s why I stayed single for so long.
I also know I want someone I can invest in. My love is rich, it’s thick, it’s luxurious; this is some quality ish over here. It’s going to cover my person for the long haul.
In the past, I couldn’t give my love because I was afraid of sharing my essence, of giving the core of myself to people who weren’t worthy to stand in my presence. Now, I know they can’t be mediocre to stand in front of me.
I’ll still bitch and moan about being single sometimes. There are days I need companionship, forget want.
But it’s my choice to wait for the person that makes me happy and for the lil heaux I can adore.
I am not entering relationships anymore to fulfill my boredom or to satisfy society and if that means I’ll never experience love then so be it. I have made my peace – the universe and I have an understanding.
Share with me below, have you ever been in love before?
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