In my head, I believed having a booty would make everything magically better.
Most black women, regardless of where they hail from, will tell you they grew up in an environment that praised a voluptuous shape. The culture pushes the concept of curves and the beauty of a big booty.
Sadly, teenage me did not fall into that category of beauty
I was a skinny little noodle with zero ass. I grew up in the era of BET video vixens and Sisqo’s Thong Song with a body that was the opposite of what was on tv.
Sometimes I wish the love for awkward black girls existed at that time because that’s the genre I fit into. There I was, a lil girl trying to navigate an era of bubble butts. Sigh.
With so much love for booty surrounding me, it’s no surprise I wanted to be curvier. In my head, I believed having a booty would make everything magically better. Somehow I would be prettier, more popular, I would just be the best me.
These thoughts stayed with me through high school and college. Every girl around me seemed blessed with a naturally curvy body and even though I tried to embrace who I was, I still wanted what the culture pushed.
Welcome to the Thicc Life
My entry into the world of thiccy thicc came when I started taking birth control pills. When my doctor listed the side effects I danced internally at the thought of “weight gain”.
My first time taking the pill was hilarious. I stood in front of my mirror immediately afterward hoping my booty had grown a few inches. Lol it doesn’t work like that but you couldn’t tell me differently.
Eventually, I did gain weight; I moved from a tiny 105lbs to 115lbs. In my mind, I was the sexiest girl on the block. In my early twenties, I went on and off the pill but I noticed my body was starting to fill out whether I was taking it or not.
The curvier I became the more my confidence grew
I couldn’t see it but at that time I was placing my self worth in the shape of my body instead of my healthiness and my emotional well being.
Falling Out of Infatuation with Booty
I’m not sure how it happened or even when it happened but my body was wilding growing away from me.
When I was younger I was naturally a small – for almost half of my life I had been 99lbs. Maaaybe 105 lbs.
Trying to keep up with this idea of curvy is sexy, curves is how you get and keep a man, curves is what will get you married, I was doing damaging things to put weight on my frame.
I woke up one day and I was 155lbs and I knew then booty wasn’t worth the way I felt.
The weight was too much for my body
Gaining weight is tiring and I know smoenoe is sitting there and saying you have to work out to distribute the curves hunny but my lazy ass wasn’t bout that life.
I didn’t have any energy to work out even if I wanted to. My partner at the time never stopped me from overeating either; they appreciated the curves and I felt like staying that size was the only way to keep them.
I had moved into this circle of thicc and people kept saying things about my booty or how sexy I was. As much as I enjoyed the comments, I didn’t feel good about myself. I felt gross, I was always tired, I was unhappy.
My rock bottom was the day an acquaintance accused me of drinking while I was pregnant and harming my baby. I’ve never been pregnant in my life; that’s how big I had gotten.
Why I don’t care about curves anymore
- My body isn’t built for the thicc life and forcing it to be isn’t healthy. To most, 150 lbs doesn’t seem drastic but for me, it is a lot of weight. I felt every pound and ultimately I spent more days crying and depressed about the state of my health than I did excited cause I got a lil more ass.
- I’m at a stage where I don’t care what others think about my body. My 30s brought a new wave of confidence and I am in a space and time where it doesn’t matter if the person I’m seeing or the people around me prefer me at a size thicc. I have to live in this body not them.
- Booty doesn’t make things better, believe me. When I got a lil bit more booty I didn’t magically get a better life. Life is what I make it and I’m so happy that even though I went through a recently rough period in my life, I decided to focus on making changes instead of getting a fatter ass.
- I feel people like me for me now. When I was curvy men openly admitted they approached me because of my new shape. Now, I feel my personality has a lot to do with being approached. That’s not to say a woman with a big butt isn’t loved for who she is but I didn’t like the way attention to my body made me feel.
Let’s make it clear, I’m not bashing any person who is naturally curvy or even those who seek a curvier shape.
I have nothing but love for people of all shapes and sizes, for big bums, small ones and all those in between. This journey to accept my body is not about body shaming other people in the process. My journey is about accepting what my body needs not forcing it into something to satisfy the culture.
Accepting my body right now
There are days I get frustrated with my body. My boobs are annoying, my teeth aren’t perfect and my skin is a constant mess. Guess who’s learning to appreciate all of that?
Even more, I have Fibroids so stuffing myself with unhealthy foods only feeds those tumors. I wouldn’t be showing myself love if I went back to devastating practices in the name of ass.
I’ve learned to appreciate my body even when it’s not doing what I’d like. Living with Fibroids means there are things I can’t control anymore, it has pushed me to have a completely new relationship with myself.
Culture still says I should have a big ass
My partner likes a smaller frame, my mommy always asks if I’m eating enough, my flatmate projects her insecurities onto me and the Eurocentric society we live in tells me my black body is not good enough.
I do not care.
Who I am is who I need to be.